Thursday

Well Thursday I had a breakdown. I was inconsolable and at my worst and lowest in my whole life. Ive been trying to come to terms with the fact that my mother is really gone. That my dad is getting married when it’s been less then a year since her death. That this disease I have is never going away. It was so bad that due to the suggestion of my therapist I was checked into a mental wing at the local hospital.
My partner was the only one who knew about it until now that is. I know that a certain person is reading this post and wondering why I neglected to tell him. The reason is because I wanted to be able to express myself and get the whole story out. I don’t want my family members knowing. They think i was in the hospital for dehydration. The person reading this is way more then just family. I consider him to be one of my best friends. He understands so much about me and my life and im extremely grateful hes in my life.
As I was saying I had just lost it. I had been going to therapy but I was still having w that needed work on. Im slightly ashamed that it reached the point where I had to be checked into a hospital. I feel helpless when it comes to having Crohn’s disease. It has taken my life away my dreams my hope. I feel guilty for being sick and no one is making me feel this way. Things with my dad are happening to fast for me to really digest it. I want him happy but I feel like hes being so disrespectful to my mother. It makes me wonder if he ever loved her. He says these things that make me question his love for me and my brothers. He says this woman is the love of his life and its like what about my mother. ……. remember her?
Lastly dealing with death has never been something I do. I put it in a box and that’s that. I can’t do this with my mother. I hate that shes gone. Im angry and hurt and tons of other emotions. …
So that is what lead to a major breakdown for me. Im on medication to help and I hope it does. …….

death breakdown family lost guilt shame